Be Naughty

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.


Christmas With Louise


As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.


One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked.

My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.”

“Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.

“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran” Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?”

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny, hang on!”

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, “Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

One thought on “Be Naughty

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

The Wolf in the Night Sky

A Blogspace for a Daddy Dom

Finding Strength in my Submission

Mature audience only, 18+ NSFW...kinky sex & spankings ahead!

mywildlens

self discovery through photography

Me Against Myself

Let's talk about mental health.

eatliveescape.wordpress.com/

Ingredients for a Beautiful Life!

All about Toni Dolls

For fans of vintage Ideal Toni dolls

Blogable

When it's in your head, it's blogable

After Bella

Addiction Forgiveness Acceptance

The Druid's Garden

Spiritual Journeys in Tending the Land, Permaculture, Wildcrafting, and Regenerative Living

Torte - The Blog

Recipes, products and decorating ideas from Torte Cake Decorating Supplies, New Zealand based

The Fat Baby Boomer

Give fat shaming the middle finger using body acceptance and neuroplasticity

Big Cat's Kitty Shed

On what's happening meow

Rohini Kudva

feminism | activism | politics |

Real&Raw

Meraki

Kyllan and Chebet

A girl, a robot and aliens doing things.

MINDFULNESS IN GRAD SCHOOL

This site is for grad students and mental health

Mmm Mondays

Turning Monday woes into Monday whoas!

Erotic Fiction Deluxe

The hottest stories by you and for you

Tell Me About

Home to writing projects and resources on lifestyle topics with a twist

Nadiia`s photography

This site is about art, photography and story they tell.

My Eco Circle

Welcome to my inner circle.

Eros Prism

Mature Audience Only, 18+, NSFW, Taboo Erotica and Kinky Thoughts

A Dress A Day

A dress, nearly every day.

Storyshucker

A blog full of humorous and poignant observations.

ROAD TO NARA

Travels of : ँ : a Yogin

Mòrag's Musings

The random ramblings of a forest dwelling, redhead submissive slut

The other side to the known

Write what you feel, coz it doesn't make you fear. A doctor by profession and writer by passion✌️

Invisibly Me

Live A Visible Life Whatever Your Health

Iridium Eye Reviews

Reviewing the best movies and series you've never heard of.

Dany Rambles

ram·ble ˈrambəl - verb - walk for pleasure, typically without a definite route

Stories I've Never Told...

(...and some I have)

@Cinefille

I've got my head. I've lost my leopard.

Scrapper@heart

Color my world with family, friends and some time to be creative making cards!

Living With ADHD

Living With ADHD

Texture of Parlance

Let your mind roam free in the luminous forest of the educators' writings

Leaf And Twig

Where observation and imagination meet nature in poetry.

Writergurlny

A Ginger's Point Of View

CripStory

Maria R. Palacios

Grit Flow

courage, resolution, strength of character

Girl with a loud pen

Musings and journaling on all things (intersectional) feminism & mental health

%d bloggers like this: