What’s Your View on Self Love?

Photo by Eternal Happiness on Pexels.com

And what is your definition of self love?

It could be body acceptance.

It could caring for yourself physically.

It could be solo sex and masturbation.

My view on self love is all three. It took me a long time to get there for any of them.

I still struggle with body acceptance. Most of my life I’ve always hated and been ashamed of my body. I’ve always had a belly, even when I was thin. My boobs have always been big and saggy, even when I was young. Since I was taught to be ashamed of sex, I was also taught to be ashamed of my body. A bra strap showing as scandalous as it tell the whole world that you had boobs, that you had to be ashamed of and had to hide them away. In those days we covered ourselves in as many layers as possible so that roaming hands couldn’t get to the goodies. We wear a bra and panties, a garter belt or girdle, stockings until pantyhose became popular but still wore a girdle to keep that damn belly under control. If you had your period, you also wore a menstrual belt and pad since maxi pads hadn’t been invented yet. Over all of that you wore a slip, half slip or pettipants. And then a dress or skirt and sweater and another sweater over it all. No wonder we hated our bodies… you couldn’t see it or feel it, it was all hidden under layers of stuff. At least we usually won when we played strip poker!!

Things are much different for me these days, as I sit here typing this while I’m naked. I wish I had the confidence then, that I have now. Maybe my sex and love life would have been so much better.

Next is caring for yourself and it’s taken a long time for me to even understand that means. For years it meant buying every beauty product that was advertised. In those days, I wore tons of eye make up… black liner (upper and lower) topped with white liner, drawn on lower lashes (this was the era of Twigger) and fake upper lashes, lots of black mascara, eye shadow. My eyes looked great and I got lots of compliments, but was this really caring for myself? There were daily trips to the gym and to the gynecologist for birth control pills, to the doctor for diet pills. In the bathroom shaving your legs and pits (hairless pubes wasn’t a thing yet. I took dance classes and then danced every night at a club. Was this caring for myself?

I no longer wear make up of any kind.. I’ve gotten lazy in my old age. I also don’t shave my legs anymore, mostly due to the damage on both. And instead of birth control pills and diet pills I have to take heart pills and blood thinners. Old age is such a joy. And sadly, I can no longer dance or work out, just walking to the bathroom is a work out for me, as walking as become so painful.

And finally solo sex and masturbation. Finally something I can still do and even excel at. When I was younger, sex was evil and banned and masturbation was even worse. Good girls didn’t touch themselves. Good girls didn’t let anyone else touch them either. All of that was suppose to be saved for your husband to enjoy, but not you. Such fucking bullshit.

I’m still pissed that was taught those insane ideas. I resent that I wasn’t able to enjoy my sex life with male partners simply out of guilt. Of course, none of them seem to notice as they were simply out to get laid and my consent and enjoyment was not required.

I didn’t masturbate until about 10 years and I haven’t stopped since. I bought my first vibrator shortly after and have no gone through four of them. I have only had a few physical relationships with men since my age of awakening and I was pleasantly surprised that men, especially men who engage in BDSM, seem to be more receptive to women’s sexual needs. Not all, some are still selfish oafs that belong in the dark ages. But much more than I expected.

My attitudes about self love have obviously changed over the years, which is to be expected. I just wish I knew then what I know now.

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