THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 70

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run – anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

SIGNS OF WEAR

OLD” IS WHEN….. Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”

OLD” IS WHEN….. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

OLD” IS WHEN….. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

OLD” IS WHEN….. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

OLD” IS WHEN….. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

OLD” IS WHEN….. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.

OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

OLD” IS WHEN….. An “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee.

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